What Guys Want (And NEED) to Hear

MEN...

The collective groan that just ensued after reading that word would be deafening if it were not for this being a blog, online, with no sound.....thank the lord. 

Nonetheless, MEN. Men are in many ways just as complicated as the opposite sex, we just typically come off as very simple minded.

LOOK, this isn't a post to try and convince any of the women out there currently reading this that we're perfect saints and specimens. I realize we have a lot of faults & things that we do that drive you insane. Totally get it...

BUT something that has come up in discussions recently with my Life Coach (Game Changer btw), the amazing Celia Behar (Click here for her website & more info: www.celiabehar.com). 

The discussion, Men and how they ACTUALLY like to hear nice things spoken to them...unsolicited.

C   R   R   R   A   Z   Y   .   .   .  I know

Believe it or not (and maybe I'm completely off base here and sound like a crazy person) but Guys actually like to hear compliments and know that they are in fact, valid, useful & contributing as human beings as well.....

WHOAAAAAA there Ryan, back the feelings train up a second....you're talking about GUYS....

Yup.

See, we were discussing relationships, both personal & in general. Communication always comes up during these discussions BUT this time we started discussing what men need & deserve to hear. It quickly became blatantly obvious that (maybe due to society, past generations who knows) that it is basically assumed that guys know who they are and it's assumed that they know it so why say anything....

Well, being a guy myself I'd have to say that is 110% wrong. Understand I'm not going to speak for all guys here, only myself. That said, I find it hard to believe that I'm alone with what I'm about to dive into, but take this with a grain of salt anyway.

So men need to hear nice things too. Guy's need to know we're still valid, desirable (fill in the blank with said descriptive word) etc etc etc... Here's the main issue that I've come to conclusion on, SOCIETY.

FUCKING (I'd say pardon the language BUT you clearly haven't read any other posts yet) SOCIETY...

Society trains us (ALL OF US) to assume guys are emotionless, simple/narrow minded, easily pleased & amused individuals who barely can think and act for themselves. NOW...don't get me wrong, I'm not saying there aren't a good portion of men out there who fit extremely well into these categories....BUT I've known a few women over the years who qualify for a good portion of these so easy over there on your high horse...you may get bucked off shortly.

I pose a question to you, would "most Men" continue to be this way if there were in fact, more positive reinforcement both directly AND indirectly throughout their lives? 

Hear me out for a second. I know many of you are thinking right now "Well I raised/am raising my son to be a good son/man/husband/father etc etc."

True, so did my mom & dad. Extremely well in my humble opinion. They taught me respect toward women very early, respect towards my fellow humans, to animals, my elders...the List goes on. They taught me to be humble every step of the way and to have respect & appreciation for everything in life. Including my significant others & friends. Be kind to them, compliment them from time to time. Love one another. They taught me countless things as a boy, young adult & even after I left their home years ago.

Even while reading this post, periodically some of you still are still picturing us men as...

OK OK...yes we can be at times...but again...

That doesn't change the fact that in many other facets of my life I've also heard from other individuals things like:

"He's useless, typical guy."

"He's so lazy, such a guy."

"Why can't he be like (fill in the blank), he's such a (YOU GUESSED IT) typical guy."

"You're such a guy"...

WHAT IN THE FUCK PEOPLE?!

So put yourself in a boy/young mans shoes, specifically my shoes for a minute. Growing up, I've heard it all including plenty that I'm either forgetting or am choosing NOT to put on here.

If this is the standard being set, no matter HOW the boy/young man is raised, society will slowly creep in the mind of this individual. We're human and have breaking points and at some point, will just give into the mind set of these slobby, belly hanging over their belts lazy useless male figures...being the standard. (Literally as I'm writing this, Al Bundy just popped into my head....JESUS H)

Honestly, WHAT GUY DREAMS OF BEING THAT MAN...I know I don't and I fight every day to be better than I was the previous day BUT it can be extremely discouraging at times hearing this crap even if it isn't directed at me (and let me make very clear, it hasn't been).

I've still heard this kind of talk however and its bothered me for a very long time. It then gets me thinking about other aspects of the male psyche.

This whole post began on feelings (ew).

Why is it that society also affects us regarding how we're supposed to feel and show (or not show for that matter) emotions. Why is it shameful of me to cry? To feel?

Well to be blunt, fuck you, It isn't. I cry, I'm full of emotion and I refuse to be any other way. I have at times (not in a long time mind you) been made fun of, been told I'm emotional, weak etc etc.

So I'm not as much of a man, or as tough as the other guy because I cry and show emotions? Do you know how fucking dumb that sounds??? Who's more of a coward? The one who can face things including his emotions or the one who just buries it all down deep???

Is that even a question? Don't get me wrong, I'm not patting myself on the back here in anyway. I have a long way to go in many aspects of who I am and who I want to be in this life.

The main point here is that for a long time, I believed it. All of it. I use to wonder what was wrong with me, why do I cry the way I do? Why do I let my emotions out the way I do at times?

So (like most men I'm sure) I began slowly over time working towards (YOU GUESSED IT)....BURYING IT ALL......

You see, I bought into society for a period of my early 20's and I lost part of myself for a while. Ya sure, everyone goes through similar things in life BUT EMOTIONS, FEELINGS....that should never be lost. EVER.

I've said it in previous posts and I'll repeat it here again, EMOTIONS ARE A GIFT. Our ability as humans to turn thoughts into various feelings & emotions which can then be communicated to AND WITH one another is extremely powerful. But because I'm a TOUGH, STRONG MAN I'm expected to bury that and show a firm steady side? FUCK THAT NOISE.

When my mom passed, I found myself yet again doing this BS. I honestly don't think I really cried more than ONCE during the wakes or funeral. And the time I specifically remember crying was when my cousin Tim who lives in San Diego walked into the funeral home with his dad unexpected. I knew why he was there. For my dad, for me and for my family and I lost it.

MY MOM DIED. Crying one time is unacceptable. I lost my mom......LET IT OUT!

It would later carry over into other parts of my personal and work life until I snapped out of it.

This then got me thinking about men in relationships believe it or not. Why does it seem like yet another part of a Man's life is directed by a misguided society?

It is trained/ingrained into our heads that it's natural for men to continually tell a woman (specifically when in a relationship) that they're beautiful/gorgeous etc etc. How amazing they are, how important they are. Continually remind them how loved and appreciated they are(Which I don't disagree with AT ALL BTW) . Yet when it comes to men it appears that this is just ASSUMED. WHY?

Women want us to communicate? Want us to show emotions? Yet society portrays another picture and then when it comes to knowing whether we're still attractive, if we're successful, a good man etc etc....

IT'S JUST ASSUMED?!?!?!

Why is it assumed when as I showed earlier, there is a lot of negativity that is slung out there about men FROM WOMEN. In front of other young men & boys might I add...

Add never really knowing truly where we stand on top of the OTHER misguided societal lessons of "Men must support, and work and blah blah blah" when we aren't able to do this or we're laid off (speaking from experience here), what do you think goes through our head.

Let me be clear, I DO NOT CARE ONE OUNCE OF MY BEING if my wife is the bread winner (what the fuck does that even mean btw?) in our family. I was laid off for almost 4 months last year and she worked and supported us the while balancing family life (had our newborn son just a couple months prior) until I found something. I'm extremely grateful for her and her work ethic. Flash back to years prior, about 2-3 year before we were married and my mentality was in a different state. I lost a job when we were living together and after 2 months of being unemployed and not finding anything I almost BROKE UP WITH MY NOW WIFE.

WHY? Because I was convinced that I was doing NOTHING but bringing her down & ruining her life and that she deserved a man much more worthy of her and everything she has to offer. Most importantly, one who could keep a job (even though the lay off wasn't my fault) and take care of his family......

I look back and wonder where this mentality comes from? Besides the fact that I do think she is a goddess....that's not the real reason why I almost did what I just said. It's because I felt like I was failing her as a man, as a partner and as a (at the time) hopeful future husband.

So if we have this going on in our heads behind the scenes and we're throwing  all of this pressure on ourselves (just as women do)...

Why wouldn't we want to be appreciated once in a while. Know that our significant others are still attracted to us, and appreciate us and the things that we do.

To hear that we are in fact good men, husbands, fathers, sons, nephews, grandsons & friends.....

Look, I get some guys out there are extremely good looking and you are thinking "They don't need to hear this stuff, look at them! They exude confidence!"

Ok well, do you know where they came from? How they looked in their younger years? High School? Whether they actually dated much before the age of 21? Too many unknowns there for assumptions to occur.

I say this because this is actually what (partially) sparked this whole topic. I was speaking with someone about this stuff again the other day and almost verbatim, those words came out of her mouth. The key part of this story is that she had JUST told me about the guy that we were discussing and when she knew him during their grade school years. Kind of awkward, not as outgoing, etc etc etc...Now he's tall, extremely good looking (still....always has been according to her) and VERY SUCCESSFUL.... I immediately asked, "Did you tell him any of that?"

Silence

I tried to relate the whole thing to myself to change the perspective and during the conversation, the discussion changed to my looks & attractiveness was then discussed. I explained to her (because of my younger years) that I automatically tack that up to someone trying to just make me feel better and never believe the compliments when they come my way. This sparked the discussion, do guys need to hear this stuff unsolicited?

YES.

Long story short, as I said, she basically assumed because he's tall, handsome and successful that he didn't need to hear it from her because "He obviously knows it". So we dove deep. After a few minutes, she realized that LIKE ME in my younger years, he didn't really date all that much. For whatever reason this guy just didn't stand out in the school years (I can relate, I was always the friend girls talked to....). Believe me, there is NO way that doesn't stick with someone on a certain level. It has for me.

Sure, I try my best to carry myself confidently today as he probably does, but the FIRST HALF OF OUR LIVES is kind of hard to forget. The main difference for me today (I won't speak for the guy in this example or anyone else for that matter) is that I just decided to not worry about that stuff anymore. Ironically that was about 6-8 months before I met my amazing wife. Since then I've always tried to just carry myself confidently being MYSELF every step of the way. That doesn't change the fact that almost every day I question myself. 

Am I successful, am I a good man, a good friend, a good husband, a good father? Am I worthy of this life that I have? That last one I question more today than ever before since the passing of my mom two years ago. Losing a loved one either changes or enhances your perspectives and I question every day whether or not I'm doing right by her and all the sacrifices she made for me. If I think like this, no matter what my exterior may be showing, I have an inclination that other men probably do as well.

So AGAIN, do guys need to hear this stuff unsolicited?

YES.

Maybe not that often, sure. For me, if I hear ANYTHING AT ALL, I'll be good for 6-8 months easily (I'm not exaggerating at all). Like today at work, I just found out I got employee of the month for one of the two offices I cover. Although I've had a hard time with all of the congratulatory emails and drop ins while in my office today, this whole thing will keep me content & happy at work for at least 6 months. Why? Because what I do has been acknowledged and appreciated and that's all I personally need.

This (for me personally anyway) carries over into the rest of my life. Of course I want to know my wife still finds me attractive, that I'm a good husband & father. Of course I want to know I'm a good son, nephew, grandson, friend etc etc..

I was taught by my amazing parents NEVER to assume anything. So I don't. I don't assume anything in life which drives me every day to be who I am and I'm sure there are many other men out there who feel the same way. I don't care if they ever openly admit it or not, it's true.

For the guys reading this that I just hit home with on this, EXPRESS yourselves. Communicate. If you don't feel appreciated, don't let it build up inside and bottle it up because it will not lead to ANYTHING good in your relationships.

For the women reading this, I'm not saying in a complete 180 immediately start worshiping the ground that they walk on cause that's not helpful at all either. All I'm saying is, we're human too and that it'd be nice if you acknowledged that. A thank you, a "I'm proud of you", a "You look handsome today"..... really anything that you find appropriate...

Believe me when I say, it'll go a long way for us because we want nothing more than to be great Men, Husbands and for some of us (who have dreamed of it their whole lives) great Fathers. Believe it or not, when it comes to all of it, we have our moments of frustration & doubt.

Sure we may in fact be simple minded, just not in the way society had intended for us. Our simple minded ways are generally our way of trying to lead happy,  healthy, long lives while hopefully leaving a positive impression on others.

So all I ask is to please help us be the true simple minded men we desire to be! Believe me...

We think about who we are and how much better we can be tomorrow more than you realize. I personally remind myself every day because, well....just look at the photo below....

I've got to earn this life that's been given to me.