Blog Post
Today I'm a Dingbat (Thanks Papa)
- By Ryan Sheehy
- •
- 01 Mar, 2016
- •
20 Years seems like yesterday
My Grandfathers were everything to me. Both are major influences in my life. Over the years I've learned more about each of them and although they were not perfect men (News Flash, none of us are), they were to me.
In a matter of 2 years, they were both gone. In the fall/winter of '93, my mom's Dad was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of Cancer that they couldn't identify. He was given 6-9 months and was gone in 3.
My parents sat me down (I was 12) because they knew how important he was to me. They gave me the choice, Be there through it all every step of the way or go visit with family friends when they needed to go to the hospital. I don't even think they finished option 2 when we had this discussion. It wasn't a choice in my mind.
I was there through it all. The nights visiting, helping him through it all. The day he passed away, we were all around his bed. I was seated to the left side of the bed, holding his hand. Right before he took his last breath, I felt him squeeze my hand one last time.
In a matter of 2 years, they were both gone. In the fall/winter of '93, my mom's Dad was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of Cancer that they couldn't identify. He was given 6-9 months and was gone in 3.
My parents sat me down (I was 12) because they knew how important he was to me. They gave me the choice, Be there through it all every step of the way or go visit with family friends when they needed to go to the hospital. I don't even think they finished option 2 when we had this discussion. It wasn't a choice in my mind.
I was there through it all. The nights visiting, helping him through it all. The day he passed away, we were all around his bed. I was seated to the left side of the bed, holding his hand. Right before he took his last breath, I felt him squeeze my hand one last time.
When he passed, as difficult as it was, a part of me was relieved. I watched a Rock of a Man, slowly suffer over the course of 3 months. This was a man who to me looked like Pop Eye growing up and by his passing had withered away to a man I barely recognized. So even though I was 12, I had 3 months to prepare for his death and by the time we reached the end, I was happy to not see him suffer anymore. When you love someone so much you hate to see them go through such a thing.
This post is actually about my Dad's dad (Top photo), so why did I lead with this story? Well after Grampy (What I called my Mom's Dad) passed away I still had my other Grandfather around.
The thought literally never crossed my mind. The difference with my Papa was that unlike my mom's Dad who lived next door, my dad's side roughly lived about an hour away. We didn't see each other as often as we would have liked but we'd see them around the holidays all year long and then I'd get about a month or two up at camp with my Gram & Papa during the summer months.
This post is actually about my Dad's dad (Top photo), so why did I lead with this story? Well after Grampy (What I called my Mom's Dad) passed away I still had my other Grandfather around.
The thought literally never crossed my mind. The difference with my Papa was that unlike my mom's Dad who lived next door, my dad's side roughly lived about an hour away. We didn't see each other as often as we would have liked but we'd see them around the holidays all year long and then I'd get about a month or two up at camp with my Gram & Papa during the summer months.
We'd spend time fishing, boating, swimming, road trips and tons of other things. Life was good and the thought never crossed my mind. I knew he had a heart problem, I knew he took medicine to regulate his heart periodically BUT it never really crossed my mind that anything would happen in the near future.
When I was 14 (2 years after my Grampy passed away from his cancer) on March 1st of '96, we got a late night call, my grandfather had a heart attack and had been rushed to the hospital.
By the time we made it to the hospital an hour or so later, he had passed. The wonderful people at the hospital (from what I remember, it was a complete blur for me) lead us to the room where they were holding him. I remember walking into the room and seeing my Papa laying there, eyes closed looking so peaceful.
I remember 3 things from the rest of that night. The first, touching his hand hoping for to feel him squeeze my hand one last time like my other grandfather had. The second, sitting down in the chair next to my father as he broke down completely while my mom rubbed his back. I've only seen him like that one other time and it was when we lost my mom two years ago. The third moment that I can recall was walking into my Gram's kitchen and seeing my family. Huddled around the kitchen table, around my rock of a Grandmother. I remember being led to each person around the table starting with my Gram and working my way around the room. Hugging & kissing each other. I don't remember much beyond that day to be honest. I don't remember the wake, the funeral. I don't really remember much to be honest.
I do remember this pain deep in my chest that stayed with me for a very long time and I couldn't understand why.
You see, both of my grandfathers were men that I looked up to and admired deeply. The guilt from hurting so badly for one while basically being at peace with the loss of the other one 2 years prior really messed with me.
I questioned so many things after my Papa passed away. We hadn't seen him in almost 3 months when he passed. I wondered if he knew how much I loved him, how much I admired him & hoped to make him proud. Now I would never know and it ate at me for a long time.
I think it probably enhanced the issues I would end up having later that same summer and yet also to a certain degree, helped me snap out of it as well.
Today I've come to peace with his passing. It wasn't over night and it wasn't easy at times. I do believe in my heart of hearts that he knows how much I love him and I hope that he is proud of me. These are the thoughts I carry with me every day now. Just as I think of my mom daily, striving to make her proud, I remind myself of my grandfathers regularly.
I do this because I want to of course make them proud but I also want to in doing so, do more. I want to BE more. I want to strive to be the best that I can be because if I can even be HALF of the men they were, I know I'll accomplish something in this life. Until then, I continue to work.
As I think about how 20 years have passed by at a glance, it keeps me in check to not take my current daily life for granted. I have a gorgeous wife, 2 amazing children and in a heart beat it could be gone tomorrow.
Someday it will be.
Until then, I strive to make a life for myself that I can be proud of because deep down, I know that if I do that they will be proud of me (My mom included).
The thing about losing loved ones is that they never really leave in our hearts & minds yet it's so difficult & painful when they do. The hurt truly never disappears either. It just begins to become manageable (for me anyway).
I choose to carry them all with me every day. They keep me in check, keep me motivated, driven and humble every day and I'm forever grateful for that.
So today, this process is magnified 10 fold as I think of him and remember the times I had with him as he influenced me and our family in ways that I wouldn't begin to understand until later in life.
Thoughts that make me Happy when I think of him.
Man he WOULD'VE LOVED my gorgeous wife Tiffany (LOVED) and our two beautiful children. He'd tease them, teach them bad things, call them dingbats & get them to sneak him extra slices of pie during the holidays like he did with his grand kids (I SWEAR I WASN'T EATING ALL OF THAT PIE!!!) and I would've loved every minute of it.
I miss him so much. Thoughts of the man he was/is get me through a lot in my life and thinking of him reminds me every day to try and be the man that he was to so many. I'm privileged to wear his last name and honored to pass it on to my children. I know if I can even become half the man he was I'll have accomplished something in this life and until then, I will continue to strive to reach that.
Knowing these things to be true gives me a level of peace as I remember him 20 years later.
We're all going to experience loss at some point, I wish none of you reading this would have to but you will.
My advice as I reach the end of this post, face your losses head on, use the motivators to keep you in check and allow yourself to cry once in a while. It's part of the release.
Hold on to the good and never lose site of any of it. I have many good memories but I use certain things to focus myself. The photo below is a big one for me, find yours and I promise you'll find a lot more in it when you do.
Love & Miss you Papa
~Ryan Edward Sheehy
When I was 14 (2 years after my Grampy passed away from his cancer) on March 1st of '96, we got a late night call, my grandfather had a heart attack and had been rushed to the hospital.
By the time we made it to the hospital an hour or so later, he had passed. The wonderful people at the hospital (from what I remember, it was a complete blur for me) lead us to the room where they were holding him. I remember walking into the room and seeing my Papa laying there, eyes closed looking so peaceful.
I remember 3 things from the rest of that night. The first, touching his hand hoping for to feel him squeeze my hand one last time like my other grandfather had. The second, sitting down in the chair next to my father as he broke down completely while my mom rubbed his back. I've only seen him like that one other time and it was when we lost my mom two years ago. The third moment that I can recall was walking into my Gram's kitchen and seeing my family. Huddled around the kitchen table, around my rock of a Grandmother. I remember being led to each person around the table starting with my Gram and working my way around the room. Hugging & kissing each other. I don't remember much beyond that day to be honest. I don't remember the wake, the funeral. I don't really remember much to be honest.
I do remember this pain deep in my chest that stayed with me for a very long time and I couldn't understand why.
You see, both of my grandfathers were men that I looked up to and admired deeply. The guilt from hurting so badly for one while basically being at peace with the loss of the other one 2 years prior really messed with me.
I questioned so many things after my Papa passed away. We hadn't seen him in almost 3 months when he passed. I wondered if he knew how much I loved him, how much I admired him & hoped to make him proud. Now I would never know and it ate at me for a long time.
I think it probably enhanced the issues I would end up having later that same summer and yet also to a certain degree, helped me snap out of it as well.
Today I've come to peace with his passing. It wasn't over night and it wasn't easy at times. I do believe in my heart of hearts that he knows how much I love him and I hope that he is proud of me. These are the thoughts I carry with me every day now. Just as I think of my mom daily, striving to make her proud, I remind myself of my grandfathers regularly.
I do this because I want to of course make them proud but I also want to in doing so, do more. I want to BE more. I want to strive to be the best that I can be because if I can even be HALF of the men they were, I know I'll accomplish something in this life. Until then, I continue to work.
As I think about how 20 years have passed by at a glance, it keeps me in check to not take my current daily life for granted. I have a gorgeous wife, 2 amazing children and in a heart beat it could be gone tomorrow.
Someday it will be.
Until then, I strive to make a life for myself that I can be proud of because deep down, I know that if I do that they will be proud of me (My mom included).
The thing about losing loved ones is that they never really leave in our hearts & minds yet it's so difficult & painful when they do. The hurt truly never disappears either. It just begins to become manageable (for me anyway).
I choose to carry them all with me every day. They keep me in check, keep me motivated, driven and humble every day and I'm forever grateful for that.
So today, this process is magnified 10 fold as I think of him and remember the times I had with him as he influenced me and our family in ways that I wouldn't begin to understand until later in life.
Thoughts that make me Happy when I think of him.
Man he WOULD'VE LOVED my gorgeous wife Tiffany (LOVED) and our two beautiful children. He'd tease them, teach them bad things, call them dingbats & get them to sneak him extra slices of pie during the holidays like he did with his grand kids (I SWEAR I WASN'T EATING ALL OF THAT PIE!!!) and I would've loved every minute of it.
I miss him so much. Thoughts of the man he was/is get me through a lot in my life and thinking of him reminds me every day to try and be the man that he was to so many. I'm privileged to wear his last name and honored to pass it on to my children. I know if I can even become half the man he was I'll have accomplished something in this life and until then, I will continue to strive to reach that.
Knowing these things to be true gives me a level of peace as I remember him 20 years later.
We're all going to experience loss at some point, I wish none of you reading this would have to but you will.
My advice as I reach the end of this post, face your losses head on, use the motivators to keep you in check and allow yourself to cry once in a while. It's part of the release.
Hold on to the good and never lose site of any of it. I have many good memories but I use certain things to focus myself. The photo below is a big one for me, find yours and I promise you'll find a lot more in it when you do.
Love & Miss you Papa
~Ryan Edward Sheehy
