Suicide from a 2nd hand experience

The purpose of this blog is a double edged sword for me. After writing my last post, I realized that I have also experienced the other side of this difficult subject and that it is appropriate for this side to be told as well.

Why? Well, there many people in this world and they all have their own unique perspective & opinion regarding depression & suicide. 

Although I 100% agree that we're all entitled to our opinions, I disagree with the perspectives of the many.

Having been through both sides of this terrible thing, I've come to some new conclusions. Look, I completely understand where most others come from with how they feel toward suicide. Anger, resentment, confusion,  guilt, sadness...the list goes on.

First, all of that is ok.

Let me elaborate. All of this is ok IF you choose to learn from it all. 

This isn't going to be a sales pitch from my end trying to convince you of anything. All I'm encouraging you to do is hear all sides, gather the info, educate yourself and formulate your opinions. Then take a step back and HONESTLY take a look at how you're looking at the situation.

Here's why.

For a long time after my experience, I firmly believed that suicide is an extremely selfish, self-centered act. I would later have that reinforced through multiple experiences from others in my life. The last few years, specifically since the passing of my mom, I've chosen to purposefully revisit this.

I've realized a few things. First, we can't blanket assumptions across everyone. Not everyone is the same when it comes to depression & suicide. Second, as difficult as it may be, we need to try and look at the situation from an neutral position.

What I've begun to realize is that suicide in fact for the majority, suicide is a SELFLESS act. How you ask? 

Well, if you don't mind sitting tight & bear with me, I'll get to my point. 

So from my experience both internally with myself and with others, many people who go down the path of suicide do so as an act to solve an equation. The problem in their mind is that they exist and in my case at least as I explained previously, I knew in my heart of hearts that I needed to solve the equation and the answer was clear as day to me.

Now if I felt so strongly about doing everyone a favor and "bettering" this world by removing myself from it I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm not the only one. I'm not saying every single depressed person out there is in the mind set BUT what I'm pointing out is that we need to stop making mass judgements towards things that we may not fully understand.

Think about it, how many suicides out there catch people off guard? Completely shocks everyone who knows them. WHY?

If the person wanted help, they'd have sought it out. They didn't because they knew they were doing the right thing for everyone around them and in my mind the ONLY way they'll find a way out of this is through self discovery or the path they've chosen.

I was thinking about all of this because of a couple specific experiences in my life. One was through my mom when I was about 19 years old. She battled depression for the majority of her life and the battle was fierce. I had been living with an ex-girlfriend at the time but happened to be at my parents home due to work one morning. When I woke up my dad was home, his sister was also there as well. I suddenly realized something was wrong. My mom was just laying there with the two of them trying to talk to her as she just laid there with a blank stare.

The short version is that she had a major breakdown and would spend roughly a week in the hospital. Weeks later while visiting her before work at my parents house, I would learn that the only reason she didn't try overdosing on her medication that morning was because I was home.

At the time it was a lot for my 19 year old mind to handle but I now am very grateful for the entire situation. Not that my mom went through that obviously but because of what I would later realize from the entire situation. It really woke me up to my own battles and allowed me to embrace being more aware of it. I've also realized that there was nothing I could have done to prevent her from going through with what she almost did. Luckily I had been there for work the next day so she didn't go through it.

But it made me think, when someone is truly in that state of mind, they're SOLD on the idea. There is very little that we can do that will prevent them from going through with it.

Over the years I've also lost some friends to suicide for various reasons but again, I've come back to the "What could I have done?" and I know deep down we all are very limited when someone is very set on the idea.

The main purpose for even discussing this is for the 2nd hand experiences some of us have or will go through with suicide.

You are going to go through a range of emotions and at times it'll feel like riding a rollercoaster. Anger, guilt, hatred, sadness, resentment, confusion....I'm sure we could come up with an extensive list.

The point is YOU need to make yourself aware of it so you can better manage your emotions. Why you ask? Well, at the end of the day I know deep down you wouldn't have been able to do anything for me when I was 14. I thought I was going to be doing all of you a favor and although I realized some people out there may be sad I knew it'd be temporary and that everyone would move on but most importantly, the burden that was me would be removed.

You can't hold onto guilt or really any of those emotions as you didn't have much say and/or control over the situation.

That said, if you feel someone you know is going through hard times (FYI: whether you think they're justified or not doesn't matter and it also doesn't matter if they're any more or less than someone else's problem as it isn't a contest....a problem is still a problem and sadness is still sadness at the end of the day) all you can do is try to make it known that you truly want to be there for them. Even if it's just as simple as being a sounding board to scream at. Some times all we need is for someone to listen to us without judgement and without continually telling us that "EVERYTHING WILL BE OK" or "things will get better" because in that moment, it doesn't matter. All that does is make the person feel like their issue/problem isn't justified and for me, I know it would just reinforce my mentality.

If I had someone to truly just vent to, to HEAR me and just listen without judgement I'm sure it would have been extremely helpful.

Regarding from the perspective of losing someone through this, be realistic with yourself. I've lost a few people and at the end of the day when all is said and done, you're only able to do so much. Find a way to learn through the experience while allowing yourself to mourn and feel your loss.

The worst thing I've seen that you allow the anger, resentment and guilt to take over and it will consume you.

At the end of the day, everyone controls their own lives and there is only so much we can do for each other. Holding onto those feelings won't do anyone any good.

As I've said in a couple previous posts, whats the point of being human at the end of the day if we don't allow ourselves to feel and just shut down/out our feelings or use other feelings such as anger to mask the feelings.

We've been provided an extremely powerful responsibility and I truly believe we shut it down to often. Being able to THINK & FEEL makes us (as we know it today) unique. 

So I ask you all to do one thing, remind yourself to be unique. Feel and express your feelings even if it requires you to put yourself out there at the risk of negativity & rejection. Also, if you think of it this way, you'll weed out people that you simply don't need in your life.

I promise you, this is a good thing.

The strength you'll gain mentally from it all will prove to be invaluable later in life.