20 years ago this summer...

I know I know.....Someone's being dramatic. That title is a bit over the top man….

Well, this post isn't going to be for everyone, so if I start off with that headline. The people who really want to stick around will. For those who have made it to this point of the post, I'll give you a fair warning as well.

This is about SUICIDE (And............ there goes a number of other people). It's not an easy topic to read about, never mind discuss, form opinions on & purposefully think about. Some people think it's selfish, some know the topic all too well and others can't even discuss it.

This is my story and my attempt to start ripping down the walls on this topic and seeing if we can start to open up to each other about these difficult subjects.

**Also, a warning up front. This is a long one. If you have 5 minutes, this is not the right time for you to read this.....Can't say I did give you Fair Warning.**

So here we go…

Yes, in my mind, I died. At least a previous part of me.

I've touched on my past briefly in a couple posts and also "hinted" briefly at the title of this post. I knew at some point I would need to elaborate, or at least make an attempt to. Why? Well, it is a main part of the foundation as to why I started this blog. Not for the attention, but ultimately the hope that maybe, just maybe, it'll help even one person out there.

I realize some of you who may still be reading at this point believe that suicide is all about being selfish and getting attention. Believe when I say I'm so far beyond suicide at this point in my life that this post is truly in hopes of helping others. Hopefully that will be further explained below.

This is my first major attempt at that.

So let me go WAY back to start us off. I remember as a kid, learning fairly young that life could be heavy & hard at times. For the most part, I was a very happy go lucky child growing up. Looking back however, there was a lot going on in my mind, I just didn't really pay attention to it. I grew up an only child so I literally had to learn everything on my own.

If you know me well (or in theory did) I'd expect you to say at this point "Ya, but you had your parents. Married, loving parents. You obviously learned a lot from them.

That's fair. I can't relate to others who've experienced divorce or any of the difficulties that come with that.

Yet I still experienced difficulties unique to my up bringing that at times, took a toll on me. So much, that I for a number of years, had myself convinced that this world would be a much better place if I had never existed in it. As I've been told a couple times regarding this subject matter..."You were just going through those teenage years." or "It was your hormones. You were and always have been a happy kid." and countless other variations. Now granted, I never fully elaborated on the suicidal thoughts as I'm about to do - BUT to say things like that to ANYONE who is convinced they shouldn't be here just compounds that belief tenfold. The thing that I never really got to talk about (vent, if you will) were these thoughts, these “wish-I-never-existed” kind of thoughts that, I might add, started much younger than my hormonal teenage years.

Summers I remember coming home from camp in Maine -  I'd spend close to a month with family (Grand Parents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins - the works), wondering most of the time if I was too much of a burden on my parents. Feeling bad that I ruined their lives. I recall being around 7 or 8 when these thoughts really started gaining traction.

These thoughts over time evolved into something more powerful. I'd go to bed every night wishing that I'd never existed knowing deep down that EVERYONES lives would be much better off without me in it. Parents, family, friends, whoever. I sold myself on the idea that this world would be a much better place if I had never been brought into it.

Years passed and every morning I'd wake up, disappointed that I woke up existing in a world that I didn't belong in. Even angry that my wishes went unanswered.

"WHYYYYY?!?!?!?!? ENOUGH ALREADY!!!! THESE PEOPLE DESERVE BETTER!!!!" (Make note of the context of that statement, I'll touch on that later)

Over time, my disappointment shifted my focus. I soon would go to bed every night wishing that after I fell asleep, I just wouldn't wake up in the morning. Sure my parents would be sad for a brief period of time, but I knew deep down in my bones that they're lives would be better off without me in it. Everyone's would.

By the time I reached age 14, this literally became my nightly ritual.

"Universe, God, Powers That Be - when I finally fall asleep, please help me stay asleep so I can relieve this world of my existence." And again, I'd experience another disappointing morning realizing that I, yet again, had woken up.

I finally got so tired of this never ending battle that I decided it was time to take the situation into my own hands.

I knew that most Saturdays, by 8:00 am, my parents would be out for most of the morning food shopping and would be gone for a few hours. They would visit multiple stores because certain ones carried certain items while others, had bulk items that they needed (because they're son was eating them out of house and home). No seriously, for a little kid I could throw down some food. Anyway.....

I quickly realized that these mornings were my opening. My plan on this Saturday morning would be to wake up after they had left and head to the kitchen. I knew the knife I wanted. I knew how I wanted to do it. 14 year old kids somehow know more than you'd think.

Length wise, along the vein, across the wrist, from my understanding, is a much slower bleed & just hurts.

How does a 14 year old know this? Lucky guess, maybe too many movies? I have no idea.

I grabbed the knife, one of the ones my dad always kept sharp with his sharpening kit. Pressed the blade firmly to my wrist ready to pull downward firmly. Pressing harder than I anticipated (apparently more ready than I realized) I began to draw the first drops of blood. What happened next - I honestly don't know if I can properly explain it but I'll give it my best.

A calmness came over me. For some reason my blood (of all things) got me thinking. This blood, flowing through me had got me to this point in my life. 14 years of existence. I wondered what the rest of my life might be like if I lived it out. Would I find success? What would I do? Would I find love? Make love to a woman? Start a family and become a father? Would I be a good dad? Thought after thought suddenly just rushed into my head at what felt like an instant.

Then my grandfathers popped into my head. I admired them both greatly and wondered if I would ever have family, specifically grandchildren, that some day would look at me the same way that my family and I did with them. With pure love and admiration. I wondered what they'd think of their grandson, (now sitting) alone in the kitchen with a knife to his wrist. Would they be ashamed, embarrassed?

I suddenly found myself very angry. Angry that I had convinced myself that this is what would be best. I thought "So what? Maybe I was a burden. Right now at this point maybe I have been. Change it then." Maybe my other family & friends would be better off if I had never existed but here I am, in the flesh and blood. And they seem to choose to talk to me, laugh with me (and at me, I'm sure) and be involved to some degree in my life. They make that choice, for some reason, so maybe there is more to this than I'm understanding.

Plus I've always thought of myself as a numbers/math person. I've been here, a burden for 14 years, whats 4 more? Turn 18 and move out and on. That will be the relief your parents need.

This curiosity (I still think it was my grandfathers slapping me back to reality) turned into a desire & want. I wanted to live. TO SEE what would be possible for me. Where would I be 15-20 years from now? Would I see 50 years from now?

All of it. I wanted to know. I wanted to suddenly live and see what this life that had been given to me might still have in store. In an instant my "old" self really did disappear (hence my dramatic title, my apologies again for the dramatics). I almost felt reborn in a way (I know - sounding preachy... stay with me).

I looked down and suddenly realized that the knife was on the floor lying next to me, I was sitting in the corner of the kitchen against the cabinets, tears were running down my face but I wasn't really crying. It was more of an awakening that I wish (maybe not EXACTLY as I experienced... perhaps less knives/blood) more people could experience.

Now I wish I could say that in an instant I was a happier, more lively person. On the outside, sure. Inside I'd continue to battle my depression for years. Lacking confidence in myself a majority of the time, never knowing if I'd ever have a proper place in this world.

There are a number of different types that have different ways of affecting people (I don't just mean the person who is depressed either, this stuff clearly extends outside to others as well). Over time I started to learn more through others, about depression & the different forms. I also learned through someone very near and dear to me. Through them I began to draw on an inner strength that I truly believe we all have if we just choose to find it and then, most importantly, let it in.

I am by NO means a mental health expert or professional. Let's get that out there. Nor am I necessarily the strongest individual out there. I cry, I get emotional, I'm sensitive (maybe over sensitive at times) BUT I'm also human. I choose to embrace this today (good and bad).

So understand that what I'm about to say is what works for me. I mean REALLY works for me when it comes to managing my emotions & mental state.

Over the years since that dark day, I've learned to truly love who I am and who I want to be. Am I perfect? Far from it! Which is part of the fun. We have so much room to grow as individuals both internally with ourselves and externally with the people around us, we just need to choose to do so.

It took many years (and believe me, I still have my days) but I am a very happy (both physically & mentally) person these days. I very much want to be here. Now more than ever.

I have an amazing, hard working, beautiful wife and two beautiful children who I love with all of my heart. The thought of not being here and not bringing these two beautiful children into this world with my amazing wife upsets me every time I think about this stuff (so basically while I was writing this entire post).

It scares me to think I was a moment away from changing multiple lives and preventing two beautiful rays of light from ever existing. It's MIND BOGGLING if you stop and really think about the impact you can have on this world in a brief moment of time. Now, is every day perfect? NO. I'm sure when I don't give my daughter the candy she wants, I'm not her favorite person. I'm sure there are days my wife gets mad/frustrated with me and can't stand me..

WAKE UP people, that's actually what makes life PERFECT. YES, you read that correctly. It's choosing to embrace all the imperfections and growing through them.

What I've realized is - WE have the control over what we think and feel.                                          

EVERY DAY.

Negative thought pops into your head! Ask yourself "Is it real or justified?" if no, than immediately wash it away. Don't misinterpret what I'm saying there - what I mean is these negative thoughts that we let in are 99% of the time not worth the time to even think about, never mind let in as much as we do.

Have a bad day? Its ok, you're human. It's allowed, and if anyone tries to tell you otherwise, move on from them. We are all allowed to have bad days, with one condition…

Just make sure you keep YOURSELF in check and snap out of it. Tomorrow truly is a new day and nothing should ever keep you down or in a bad mood longer than a few hours – max.

YOU just need to choose to remember that and continue to move forward. YOU ALONE have that power. YOU can choose to focus on the positives. To not fall into the traps out there (there are a ton). YOU can choose to be there for others even if you feel they're not really there for you. WHY? BECAUSE, who understands the need to talk to someone while they truly listen BETTER THAN YOU?! Or the NEED to have someone like that for that matter.

YOU YOU YOU. "I get it Ryan, I HAVE CONTROL". Thanks, Captain Obvious.

Look, I get it. This all may appear obvious. I also get that Life is hard at times. As I write this I'm actually going through a bit of a difficult time personally which is compounded by the fact that (while I'm writing this) tomorrow is the 2 year mark since my mom passed away. So believe me, I get it.

NONE of it changes who I am today and who I plan on staying true to. Yes, I'm extremely sad. I miss my mom literally every day (and I can't emphasize that enough). Hasn't changed once since she passed. I think of her when I wake up and when I go to bed. I think of her while I'm writing emails at work, or driving to the grocery store. I miss her beyond words but I also know, she wanted nothing but the best for me in this life. So do others. So I carry on and try my damnedest to maintain that focus. I HAVE CONTROL.

Here's the thing, there are (whether you want to believe it or not) people who want and need you in their lives. You need to stop letting those negative thoughts convince you otherwise. "But Ryan, I maybe only have one person like that in my life." Sometimes ONE is enough, don't negate that persons feelings towards you either.

I'm also not saying "don't cry" or "don't feel emotions". Exact opposite actually. Choose to embrace and feel it all while managing the thoughts that come with it. Don't let yourself (as I did when we lost my mom) spiral out of control. It can be very easy to do, just continue to be honest with yourself and don't get offended when others try to help you. I get that it can be scary putting your emotions out there to possibly have them ignored or in some cases debated or worse, negated. HELLO! What am I doing through this blog? I know damn well the kind of comments that could potentially be thrown my way. Yet, I also know that there are people out there who will truly want to be there, no matter what. That's what I choose to focus on and you have that choice too. Last time I checked (this thought is one thing that has carried me over the years), we are all Human.

We know for a fact, without a doubt, that we can feel AND express our emotions. Why waste that? Why waste the ability to not only feel and express these emotions but also do so with others in our lives. This is WHAT DEFINES US AS HUMANS!!!!

Also, why let it get the best of us? What is the point of having this amazing gift & responsibility and letting it all go to waste? Or for some of us, ruin us and take everything away.

Don't. Choose to be present, in the moment, EVERY day. We know every day isn't going to be rainbows & sunshine. Yet we also know (should we choose to acknowledge it) there will be plenty of those good days ahead so don't let the rainy ones bog you down. The rain eventually washes away & and the sun always rises (even if it's covered by clouds dropping snow on us DAMN YOU WINTER!!!!!  FYI I live in the North East), you just need to keep your eyes open and looking forward to see it.

The final piece I'll leave you with is this (Two parts really):

First, be patient with yourself. We can't change habits/thoughts ingrained in ourselves for years over night. But we can continue to think about and acknowledge them so we can properly manage and improve upon ourselves and how we live our lives.

Finally, for those of you who (while reading this) thought "Anyone that wants to or does take their own life like this guy is selfish." or something along those lines - that's fair. You're entitled to your opinion. Now take a moment to hear mine; I actually have gone back and forth on this for a very long time, really since my experience years ago. Today I've come to the following conclusion based on what I almost did, another loved one in my life who almost ended it all and a dear friend of mine who actually went through with it.

Really analyzing all them and the many different cases and  articles I've read online regarding the topic, the people who try or go through with it always seem to have the same kind of words floating around them. Things like "I'm a burden" or "They'd be better off if I wasn't here" (There's plenty more).  Remember earlier, my thought process - I believed I was a burden and that "They deserve better.”

Look, whether you want to admit it or not, this is actually an extremely SELFLESS thought process & act. These individuals have convinced themselves, like I did many years ago, that this world would truly be a better place without them in it and that by removing themselves from it will improve the lives of everyone around them.

Believe me when I say I was completely convinced of this myself.

I'm not saying this is 100% for all cases but a good portion, this is the truth. Looking back at my mentality, this is spot on. I was convinced that I'd be doing my parents and everyone else a favor. Am I looking for a medal or pat on the back by saying this? NO, just trying to show you a different perspective towards an extremely difficult topic. Think about it, if I was looking for the attention, why did I wait until my parents were gone for a few hours? Why did I clean up and go back to "normal" after what I did? It wasn't ever about being selfish or getting attention. The mission was greater in my mind and then, the mission changed.

So if you think someone in your life may be depressed, it doesn't matter the severity of it, just be present for them. All you can do is love them, listen to them, and make sure they know how important to you they are. You may not be able to express that every day, but try.

It'll be frustrating at times, sure, because you may not entirely relate to them or they may appear to not want/accept the help. The same could be said for any of the problems you have and will face throughout your life. So remove yourself from the equation and be present for that person. Make them aware, if even for a moment, that you are in fact there for them.

You'd be surprised how much some of the people in our lives need this. Like I just said, some may act like they don't need or want it but they do.

Should they still go through with things, don't blame yourself. At the end of the day, there is only so much we can do for the people on our lives. At some point we all have to take ownership of our own lives. Should people still not choose to awaken and actually see for themselves what they really have in their lives then that's a choice they have to make and at the end of the day, we've done what we can on our end.

Looking back, I was one of those individuals that truly felt alone for a long time. NO ONE should feel that way. We're all in this together. Time we all started acting like it. Be present for yourselves, and from there for the individuals you have in your life. Embrace mental health, don't shame and/or belittle it. Be bigger than that. If you are a person on the edge with these thoughts, don't negate the people who reach out to try and help. Talk to them, at least try. What's the worst that could happen? You end up right back where you are? At least you gave it a few tries.

And in the end…

Choose to love. Love life (yours and others). Choose to live. Live your life and the experiences throughout it.

This journey is way too short to live it any other way.

For those of you who made it through all of this, I can't thank you enough for taking a moment out of your day to read this. It means the world to me and hopefully it helps you or, indirectly, helps others in your life.

Peace and love to you all.

‘Til next time

~Ryan