Saying Good Bye
- By Ryan Sheehy
- •
- 16 Jan, 2016
- •
It's been 2 Years since we said our good-byes and laid my mom to rest.
Two days from now marks TWO YEARS
since my moms funeral services. I'll be waking up early tomorrow and heading to the church that my family goes to. It's where the services were held for her funeral and tomorrow it'll be her memorial mass which got me thinking. The last couple weeks have been harder this year than last year and I began to wonder why.
For most, when my mom passed away on 1/7/14 the mourning process began.
When I found out about her passing, it was 6:15am on a Tuesday. I was down in Florida at a company Sales Retreat and after realizing I wouldn't be able to find a flight home early due to weather issues, I gathered my thoughts and carried on through the rest of the week. Arrived home later Thursday, worked at the office Friday. Took most of Saturday to do laundry, pack and occupy Olivia while Tiffany finished up a bunch of Journal orders. Packed up and hit the road for a 10 hour drive to New Hampshire.
From the moment I got the call on Tuesday January 7th to the morning of Friday January 17th, the morning of her Calling hours at the funeral home, everything was a daze as I look back. Literally, I just was going through the motions. I remember being at meetings about the services, meeting with the Priest, figuring out who would speak, be the pallbearers, Hours, timing, prayers, cars, food, family, friends.....ALL THIS STUFF and I honestly can really only remember the morning of her funeral. Even her wake on the 17th, the entire day I just don't remember being there.
I can't really pinpoint why either. Some will immediately think "Ah, your mom passed away."...... Ya I understand that, but I've gone through loved ones passing away before. This was just different in a lot of ways. We were living in Buffalo, I was away in Florida for my company, it felt like forever before we got back to New Hampshire after she passed. The services didn't happen for 7 days after.... I also had a lot on my mind. Knowing that we had to go back to Buffalo and get back to life as usual, I worried about my dad (things to perhaps write about and discuss another time). But I worried nonetheless. I worried how my girls were doing the entire time. Two 10 hour drives, Olivia sleeping in pack'n'plays, a few late nights spending time with family and just a long week overall.....a lot of it kept my focus away from something that I neglected (not intentionally)....mourning. I shed a few tears but I was so focused on my dad, the girls and everything else that I never really allowed myself to let go.
For most, when my mom passed away on 1/7/14 the mourning process began.
When I found out about her passing, it was 6:15am on a Tuesday. I was down in Florida at a company Sales Retreat and after realizing I wouldn't be able to find a flight home early due to weather issues, I gathered my thoughts and carried on through the rest of the week. Arrived home later Thursday, worked at the office Friday. Took most of Saturday to do laundry, pack and occupy Olivia while Tiffany finished up a bunch of Journal orders. Packed up and hit the road for a 10 hour drive to New Hampshire.
From the moment I got the call on Tuesday January 7th to the morning of Friday January 17th, the morning of her Calling hours at the funeral home, everything was a daze as I look back. Literally, I just was going through the motions. I remember being at meetings about the services, meeting with the Priest, figuring out who would speak, be the pallbearers, Hours, timing, prayers, cars, food, family, friends.....ALL THIS STUFF and I honestly can really only remember the morning of her funeral. Even her wake on the 17th, the entire day I just don't remember being there.
I can't really pinpoint why either. Some will immediately think "Ah, your mom passed away."...... Ya I understand that, but I've gone through loved ones passing away before. This was just different in a lot of ways. We were living in Buffalo, I was away in Florida for my company, it felt like forever before we got back to New Hampshire after she passed. The services didn't happen for 7 days after.... I also had a lot on my mind. Knowing that we had to go back to Buffalo and get back to life as usual, I worried about my dad (things to perhaps write about and discuss another time). But I worried nonetheless. I worried how my girls were doing the entire time. Two 10 hour drives, Olivia sleeping in pack'n'plays, a few late nights spending time with family and just a long week overall.....a lot of it kept my focus away from something that I neglected (not intentionally)....mourning. I shed a few tears but I was so focused on my dad, the girls and everything else that I never really allowed myself to let go.
The morning of her funeral was the only day I really remember from that week.
Chillier than previous days. Service at the Church was beautiful. I remember trying to be strong while sitting next to my dad who had just lost his wife of 34 years. I can't even imagine that (I've told Tiffany she needs to let me go first).
I'd like to sit here and tell you that should you ever have to go through something like this that you MUST allow yourself to feel, experience and mourn during this time.
I can't. I'm not confident you really have a choice. Looking back, I just don't think I had a choice or say in the matter. I just did what I needed to do without much thought.
The reality is during the immediate days & weeks that follow the loss of a loved one, you simply just need to find a way to get through each day.
After a couple weeks go by you do need to have a reality check with yourself however. I don't mean a pep talk or a "Let's Move on" discussion. I literally mean let it loose.
Cry, scream, freak out....whatever it might be that you need, do it.
I didn't really. I didn't and I needed to.
All I can say is, it catches up to you quickly and suddenly a range of thoughts & emotions just flood out.
A ton of things will fly through your head from simple thoughts to questions that you have:
"Was she proud of me?" (This drives me every day now)
"Did she know how much I love her?" (I believe she did/does)
"Wish I was there to say goodbye" (She was cremated before I arrived back in NH and I was in Florida when she passed, so I didn't get to physically see her to say my goodbyes, just her urn. This would later come back to be something that clearly caused me a lot of grief. I never really had the closure with her passing that I had with others in my life like my grandfathers and it really messed with me for a long time.)
I would later come to the conclusion that our goodbyes were said when we visited at the end of December during our holiday break and thats how she would have wanted it.
I finally snapped out of my daze, once again embraced my emotions (because that's who I am at my core) and began my road to normalcy.
What you'll find is that there will be good days & bad days. The key I've found is to not ignore or hide from them. I was good for most of the holidays at the end of 2015 but Christmas through New Years hit and my feelings took a 180 leading right through the 2 year anniversary of her passing.
Today, as I write this, I find myself doing much better in many ways. I'm reminded of who I am (a big portion due to my mother) and who I want to be. I'm reminded of the things that I am blessed with currently because that's what she would want me to focus on.
-My amazing love of my life, Tiffany.
-My beautiful Children, Olivia (3) & Kellan (1).
-A new home that we're literally (FINALLY) almost done renovating and I CAN'T WAIT TO MOVE INTO!!! (My mom would have loved it, it has a 1st floor bathroom.....our old house had a steep set of stairs and ONLY a second floor bathroom).
Look, if you pull anything from this post (actually this blog in general) please take this with you...
FEEL. EVERYTHING. EVERY SINGLE DAY.
It's OK to feel. It's OK to be Sad. It's OK to be Happy. It's OK to be Up and Down. We all need to stop turning ourselves away from this stuff and letting the opinions & words of others influence us as well (negatively anyway).
Your emotions can define you in many ways and from my experience, if you don't embrace them, they generally lead you down a path that you really don't want to go down. If you feel like you don't have someone to talk to who REALLY listens, then keep looking. Some people are simply not capable of doing this. Does that make it right, no BUT people will only change when they want to. I'm sure there are many reasons why (Can't get past their own confidence/personal issues, think people are weak who do this.....I've heard it all). So move on and find someone else who will be there for you. I GUARANTEE there is someone.
In the meantime, for all of you out there who have OR will lose loved ones know that you are not alone. Just because we may not speak directly, understand that I am thinking of you and maybe embrace that thought for now until you find a True Listener & Shoulder to lean on.
Most importantly though...
EMBRACE YOURSELF, YOUR FEELINGS & WHO YOU ARE.
Peace and Love to you all
~Ryan
Chillier than previous days. Service at the Church was beautiful. I remember trying to be strong while sitting next to my dad who had just lost his wife of 34 years. I can't even imagine that (I've told Tiffany she needs to let me go first).
I'd like to sit here and tell you that should you ever have to go through something like this that you MUST allow yourself to feel, experience and mourn during this time.
I can't. I'm not confident you really have a choice. Looking back, I just don't think I had a choice or say in the matter. I just did what I needed to do without much thought.
The reality is during the immediate days & weeks that follow the loss of a loved one, you simply just need to find a way to get through each day.
After a couple weeks go by you do need to have a reality check with yourself however. I don't mean a pep talk or a "Let's Move on" discussion. I literally mean let it loose.
Cry, scream, freak out....whatever it might be that you need, do it.
I didn't really. I didn't and I needed to.
All I can say is, it catches up to you quickly and suddenly a range of thoughts & emotions just flood out.
A ton of things will fly through your head from simple thoughts to questions that you have:
"Was she proud of me?" (This drives me every day now)
"Did she know how much I love her?" (I believe she did/does)
"Wish I was there to say goodbye" (She was cremated before I arrived back in NH and I was in Florida when she passed, so I didn't get to physically see her to say my goodbyes, just her urn. This would later come back to be something that clearly caused me a lot of grief. I never really had the closure with her passing that I had with others in my life like my grandfathers and it really messed with me for a long time.)
I would later come to the conclusion that our goodbyes were said when we visited at the end of December during our holiday break and thats how she would have wanted it.
I finally snapped out of my daze, once again embraced my emotions (because that's who I am at my core) and began my road to normalcy.
What you'll find is that there will be good days & bad days. The key I've found is to not ignore or hide from them. I was good for most of the holidays at the end of 2015 but Christmas through New Years hit and my feelings took a 180 leading right through the 2 year anniversary of her passing.
Today, as I write this, I find myself doing much better in many ways. I'm reminded of who I am (a big portion due to my mother) and who I want to be. I'm reminded of the things that I am blessed with currently because that's what she would want me to focus on.
-My amazing love of my life, Tiffany.
-My beautiful Children, Olivia (3) & Kellan (1).
-A new home that we're literally (FINALLY) almost done renovating and I CAN'T WAIT TO MOVE INTO!!! (My mom would have loved it, it has a 1st floor bathroom.....our old house had a steep set of stairs and ONLY a second floor bathroom).
Look, if you pull anything from this post (actually this blog in general) please take this with you...
FEEL. EVERYTHING. EVERY SINGLE DAY.
It's OK to feel. It's OK to be Sad. It's OK to be Happy. It's OK to be Up and Down. We all need to stop turning ourselves away from this stuff and letting the opinions & words of others influence us as well (negatively anyway).
Your emotions can define you in many ways and from my experience, if you don't embrace them, they generally lead you down a path that you really don't want to go down. If you feel like you don't have someone to talk to who REALLY listens, then keep looking. Some people are simply not capable of doing this. Does that make it right, no BUT people will only change when they want to. I'm sure there are many reasons why (Can't get past their own confidence/personal issues, think people are weak who do this.....I've heard it all). So move on and find someone else who will be there for you. I GUARANTEE there is someone.
In the meantime, for all of you out there who have OR will lose loved ones know that you are not alone. Just because we may not speak directly, understand that I am thinking of you and maybe embrace that thought for now until you find a True Listener & Shoulder to lean on.
Most importantly though...
EMBRACE YOURSELF, YOUR FEELINGS & WHO YOU ARE.
Peace and Love to you all
~Ryan