2 Years

Today marks two years since my moms passing. I literally think about her every day. When I wake up, periodically throughout the day and sometime before I fall asleep at night.

Why you ask? Because it keeps me in check. I'm reminded of her struggles, her strengths & everything about her. I'm reminded that through myself, I can still speak to her. She gives me guidance, comfort & strength like only a mother can.

Also, like any child, I hope to make her & my dad proud. That drives me. Her passing only magnifies that. I know I have a long way to go as a Man, Son, Husband, Father & Friend to the people in my life. I have a lot to learn and many avenues in which I need to continue to grow as a person.

But at the end of the day, all I hope for is to make her proud.

I'm her only son & child. I know she worried a lot about me. About who I am and would become. Would I inherit the good & bad traits of my parents such as her battles with depression. Would I inherit her killer sense of humor & sarcasm (TOTALLY DID MOM).

Would I break the mold? Would I do it differently? Would I be able to embrace the things she couldn't? The list goes on.

We've actually had a number of conversations & discussions (sometimes heated) in the past about this stuff. Looking back, maybe not as in depth as I would have liked but still, we discussed these things. Specially the depression stuff as I got older. She'd say "Keep an eye out on the kids as they get older."......"Ya mom, I know"....."Be careful with your money."....."I am mom."

Many many more were discussed with my typical responses.

When she passed I wrote a lengthy post on Facebook. Something that has always stuck with me is what I focused on. Making her proud and "Earning" this life that they'd given me.

I now know the conversations were her way of always telling me she wants nothing but the best for me and to be aware of everything in my life. I have since turned that into earning it.

I like to think I am aware. I'm awake and embracing my emotions. Am I perfect with it every day? NO...but I strive to be.

Below is my original post on Facebook a day after her passing.

"Now that a day has gone by I thought it'd be appropriate to say some words on a massive scale as it should come from me and because she deserves that (and more).

In life we have moments that define us, good or bad. As my amazing parents have taught me through the years it's how we choose to let those moments define us that makes us who we are and they taught me that by always doing the right thing, making personal sacrifices and more importantly fighting when it was needed.

Specifically, my mom who was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung & brain cancer a little over three years ago. She wasn't expected to see her only son (and child) marry the love of his life but she stood tall (sorry mom...lil joke in there....you taught me that) and said hell no, I'm gonna beat that date. She did and one of my most cherished moments, walked me down the aisle for our amazing day. Then in 2012....a miracle, a grandchild for them. Again, hell no, I'm going to meet that child. On 9-8-12 we welcomed my beautiful Olive into this world and the moment I got to introduce my parents to their beautiful new granddaughter is something I will cherish and carry with me until the end of my days.

I know you said hello to me yesterday when the sun broke in FL (which it wasn't supposed to do). Just know that I will try and earn this life you gave me every day that I awake and hopefully I can be even half the parent that you have been for me to our beautiful Olivia. The love of a son and mother can't be described, only felt & understood by them and it will never leave me mom. I love you with my heart and soul. I know this because both are pieces of you.

For those of you who have recently learned of my moms passing yesterday morning either previously to this or through this post know that my father & I and our amazing family feel your love and support. Words can't express in times of loss how it feels to have this love just know it is felt and beyond appreciated."

The attached obituary provides the details of the services at the end of next week. Should you have any questions please route your questions through me. Facebook message or text are preferred.

Thank you all"

All of this remains true today, more than ever. I will spend every waking minute that I have left in me earning this life.

Love you forever and always.

~Ry